Recently, I... broke up with the man I should have kept loving. Instead, I let my own depression and false thoughts get the best of me, and now that man is gone. And, to be even more honest, it wasn't just my depression. I was never satisfied and I'm guilty of such a charge. I loved him and appreciated him. In return, I broke his heart. I don't expect him to come back to me. Not after everything I said. Not after everything we shared has now gone to shadow.
He was my rock. The man who believed in me in so many ways. He was the one who tried to keep me writing and keep me in the spotlight of my own dreams of becoming a successful writer and filmmaker. Even the man behind the scenes of my Twin Peaks fanfics. He was the first to read everything I've ever written since we met. He even loved me when I read them to him, claiming my voice was the sexiest he had ever heard and loved.
The man who I dearly loved and cherished might just leave me to die in my own guilt, my own stubbornness, my own stupidity, and my own weakness for something more when I never really needed it. He gave everything. I shoved it all aside when I shouldn't have. I had fallen out of love with him because of how jealous he would get and would say it was a way that he cared. He even tried to reason with my depression, but every time he did that, that angry self of me would attack him for doing so. In time, he felt neglected, unloved, unappreciated, and uncared for. We were fighting almost every day for over a month and it finally came to a heartbreaking end when I gave him the final say on the cards of our relationship, and he put them down and walked away. He has weeded me out of his life and heart, but I know he can't weed me from his mind.
And nor can I of him.
If he never takes me back, I'm lost to darkness until the next man comes along. Or he was the man and now I've lost that opportunity that was handed to me. So... now Twin Peaks or anything Lynch isn't the same for me anymore. That part of me that loved it so dearly is now hurting because of the mess I've made and probably can't undo.
Don't feel discouraged. I'm not leaving the community because of my role as the broken-hearted and the heartbreaker. I'll still give you all the positivity, peace, and good health that should be living in the community we all share and love. But the love I once held so high in my heart is dying like the man I loved just as much.
I bet many can relate to this. Or they love Twin Peaks more because it saved them from an abusive relationship or a heartbreak as bad as mine. But for me, it's the opposite reaction. It's a constant reminder of my failure as a person of love.
Nobody is perfect. Sheriff Truman and Agent Cooper discussed that fondly. But I'm one of those very flawed people who doesn't appreciate what was perfect until they are gone.
So coping is listening to tons of Bananarama and Nirvana songs over and over again until my mind is freed of the guilt and heartbreak. Unless the man I loved takes me back a third time, it's going to be a long time before any of those feelings fade with time.
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